Where's my love
by DarkxxDesires
Summary: Set a month after 3x03 Clarke comes back to Arkadia and Bellamy has a lot of conflicting feelings.


**This is set a month after 3x03 so please ignore the events of 3x04. I wrote more than half of this before I watched the new episode. This is just my way of coping with all the feels from season 3. I loved writing from Bellamy's POV.**

 **The title comes from the song Where's My Love by SYML. I think it fits Bellarke perfectly.**

* * *

She's here.

She had radioed in saying that she was on her way from Polis. For the first time in four months Clarke was back at Camp. Bellamy thought about this moment everyday since she left. Left him to take care of the kids after they escaped Mount Weather; left him to look after Jasper who was so filled with grief and anger he drunk himself into a stupor and Bellamy was worried he might drink himself to death one day; left him to calm down Harper every night when she had nightmares and woke up screaming in terror; left him to watch Raven battle herself and push everyone away. But above all, she left him to deal with his own nightmares and his own guilt all my himself. Bellamy and Clarke knew each other better than anyone so he knew she needed to battle her demons by herself, away from everything and everyone that reminded her of what she had to do. But she didn't make that decision alone. Bellamy pulled that lever down with her. _Together_. And he had needed her to be by his side when the nightmares were too much for him to handle alone. When those kids' faces hunted him. Maya, who had helped him, he had killed her too. Ultimately, that's what made him turn to Gina. She was a nice girl who cared about him, something Bellamy couldn't very well fathom, and he needed that. He needed someone to make him forget. He needed that comfort. But now she was dead. Because he chose Clarke.

He will always choose Clarke.

Bellamy thought he'd be relieved when she finally came home, happy. Now he was just angry.

So when Clarke walked through the gates of Arkadia and her eyes immediately found his, he just walked away.

* * *

Later that night, someone knocks on Bellamy's door. He doesn't have to open it to know it's Clarke. When he does, the first thing he notices is her hair. The last time he saw her it was woven in intricate braids and she had Grounder paint covering her eyes. She looked beautiful and intimidating. Now all that was gone and she looked almost like the Clarke he remembered. Her hair was longer, her eyes were haunted. But she was still beautiful.

Bellamy didn't really want to focus on that right now. "Do you want something?"

"I wanted to talk to you. I didn't get to explain why I stayed."

"You didn't have to."

Clarke just stared at him with a pained look on her face. If she had expected a warm welcome she was wrong. After a moment, she said, "Can I come in?"

Bellamy just stepped aside, letting her pass and closed the door. He leaned against it, arms crossed, just watching her as she looked around his small room. Her eyes finally landed on his makeshift bedside table, where his copy of _The Iliad_ still laid. She started to pick it up. "Don't."

She looked at him with a confused look. Maybe he was too forceful but Gina had given him that. It was the only thing he had of her. And now she was dead because Bellamy left her. He didn't even blink twice when he found out Clarke was in danger. He'd always protect her. And Gina was dead because of that.

"I'm sorry. Raven told me about Gina." She seemed to read him. She was always able to do that. Bellamy hid his feelings from everyone, but Octavia and Clarke could always see through his armor.

"Just say what what you came to say."

"I had to stay, Bellamy. I had to make sure Lexa kept her word."

"Kane could've made sure of that. He has the mark of the coalition, he even likes it there. It didn't have to be you. You just didn't want to come back. You're still running."

A look of guilt washed her face. "You don't understand—"

"Oh I do understand, Clarke. Or have you forgotten who pulled that lever down with you? Cause I haven't. Their deaths are on my conscience as much as they're on yours." The face of Lovejoy's kid crossed his mind and he pushed it aside. It was too painful to even think about right now. "I killed them, too that day. And now I let everyone die a second time." Gina, Farm station, those innocent kids. None of them deserved that.

She moved toward him. Her eyes were watery, but she wasn't crying. "Bellamy, that wasn't your fault."

"Yes, it was. I chose to trust Echo and go to Polis, leaving them unguarded. To save you. And what did you do? You chose to stay there. You left us, me, again." Now it was his time to move toward her. "You chose to stay there, with her. They're dangerous, Clarke. They don't care about anyone but themselves, they've proven that already." Anger rolled inside him. "I risked my life and the life of other people to go after you. And you don't even care."

They were so close now, it was like the anger that was seeping off him transferred to her. "Don't you dare say that I don't care about you!" She snapped, hitting his chest. He grabbed her wrist. Their faces were inches away. He looked at her, really looked at her for the first time since she left, taking everything in. _She's here. She's safe_. All those months she was away, Bellamy had no idea if she was hurt, or even alive. He knew Clarke was tough but he couldn't help worry about her. And now here she was, unharmed. A weight lifted from his shoulders. It was like when he saw her in that place with the bounty hunter, bound and gagged but _alive_. Relief and guilt hit him like a wave. She was here and Gina wasn't because he chose Clarke over her. But he couldn't be angry at Clarke for that because he'd choose her again. And then he saw her in Grounder clothes and with Grounder paint and he remembered how she chose staying with _her_ over him and anger churned in the pit of his stomach.

And he wasn't sure what drove it, anger or relief, or who made the first move, only that they were kissing and it felt heavenly. Clarke's hands were on his hair, tugging forcefully. He bit her bottom lip in return as he grabbed her waist and pulled her to him. She tugged off his shirt frantically and at this point his anger was mixing with uncontrollable desire as he tore her clothes off. He pressed their bare chests together and sank his teeth in the crook of her neck. Clarke groaned, dragging her nails down his back until they found his belt. He finished pulling his pants down along with his boxers and kicked off his boots as Clarke did the same to her own clothes.

He couldn't allow himself to think about what he was about to do and how it felt like a betrayal to Gina's memory, but then again being with Gina always felt like some kind of betrayal to Clarke, so he ignored the whirl of conflicting thoughts in his head and gave himself to this moment. He pushed Clarke onto his bed and covered her naked body with his, kissing her hard. Clarke's hands were cupping his face, her touch too soft for what he was feeling at the moment so he thrust inside of her as hard as he could. She gasped, breaking the kiss as her fingers digged into the skin of his back, leaving a trail of fire in their wake. Bellamy groaned. He welcomed that pain. Her eyes were burning into him so he thrust hard again and again as his hands roamed over her soft skin. It was softer than he had ever imagined. He didn't want to admit but he had imagined this moment before, late at night when he couldn't sleep. But nothing that he ever imagined could compare to how good she felt around him. He slowed down his rhythm until he was pulling out of her inch by inch and thrusting all the way back inside with deliberate slowness, trailing a path from her neck to her breast and leaving small bite marks behind. His lips found her nipple, sucking slightly, causing Clarke to shiver. Her legs wrapped around his hips, urging him to go harder and so he did because apparently he would never stop taking orders from Clarke. He pounded into her until she was shaking in his arms, her back arching with the intensity of her peak and her mouth opened in a silent scream. She clenched around him, tight and perfectly, and he stifled a groan as he too reached his climax.

He collapsed on top of her and buried his head in the crook of her neck, breathing her in. Her hand curled around the nape of his neck, gently massaging it. They stayed like that, he still inside her, until they both caught their breaths and their skin cooled.

He shifted to her side and saw her eyes find the scar in his leg. Tears threatened to spill from Clarke's eyes as her hand caressed his cheek. "I never meant for you to get hurt." She said, her voice breaking in that last word. "I don't know what I would do if something had happened to you."

"When I saw you in that field," he whispered hoarsely. "I couldn't just let him take you and not do anything, Clarke." There was wetness on her cheeks and probably on his as well. "I can't lose you either."

She scooted closer to Bellamy and kissed him. It wasn't rough and demanding like before, this was gentle and passionate and they both seemed to be trying to put all the things left unsaid into it. Clarke was the first to break it. She pushed a curl away from his forehead. "I'm so sorry, Bellamy. For everything." She whispered with a sad smile. His heart clenched. She made a move to get up but Bellamy grabbed her hand, entwining their fingers. "Stay. Please. Just this time."

So she did. She curled up to Bellamy's side, their hands still joined, and they slept better than they had in a very long time.

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 **I hope you enjoyed this :) feedback would be greatly appreciated :)**


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